Friday, August 17, 2012


By: Angela Mayah Solstice

I write from a heavy heart. Usually I would not write in this state, but again yes I would. I guess the difference is that I am sharing it with you. I started seriously writing poetry in my late teens— I came to discover I was good. A long way from putting together catchy rhymes as a kid—yet even back then I realized I had a talent there. Fast-forward to today, and you would not believe that one of my biggest insecurities is writing. Yes, the one thing I feel confident about is one of my fears. Fears that I sound uneducated, I’ve made a punctual error or that I simply do not make sense. The list is endless. Spiritualists associate many personal struggles with the role your mother or father played in your life. Specifically they say your relationship with your father determines how you “show up” in life and how confident you believe in doing so. Good ‘ol common sense can confirm that there is some truth in that. I never knew my biological father and recently have learned that he passed away a couple of years ago. Open hearted by nature I cried a river of tears. I don’t feel anger--yet. I don’t feel a disconnect. I feel pain. I feel loss. Many times the world tries to project to others on who we should hate or dislike. Who is not worthy of our love, tears, or heartache, especially if that someone has hurt us. Thankfully no one directly did that to me in association to my biological father. I was never given any ill information or side remarks about him accept for the limited facts. As a child this gave birth to an illusion, that one-day we may connect and have a relationship. Over time I accepted it was not going to happen but maybe I would get to know him through death. This gave way to my second fantasy that there would be this big funeral and I would connect and meet long lost siblings and relatives. Confirmation of his death and final arrangements already taken place took away that hope. So I mourn the father who I never had in life and in death. The saying goes, “weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Perhaps my weeping may endure for many nights, but I still believe my joy will come. And I'll keep writing through the fear. Until then, it is all one day at a time. xo 

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1 comment:

  1. There are strong spiritual messages in all that is happening now. Keep listening with your heart and expressing and you will without a doubt see and feel the confirmations. Your decisions are perfect. The lessons are perfect. All relationships are perfect. Your soul is learning what it needs to learn. I recommned the book: Your Souls Plan Before You Were Born.

    Your father can come to you and be accountable for the pain and loss you feel. Allow it.

    Your grandmother is working out her fear of aging and death. She wants you to be strong and capable. She inherited her judgements too.

    I love you and am sorry for your loss.

    Fathers, men, daddys, they certainly do disappoint us and leave us with wounds to heal. Heal, my love, heal. Your darkest day gives you compassion for those God will bring to you to heal.