Venting

"All to often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm’s way."

~Bell Hooks

By: Trapped

“I’m calling the cops!!!!”

“What you stupid bitch? Go ahead call them!”

“Please stop hitting me I'm bleeding.”

 “Die bitch!”

“Daddy your hurting mommy and you're hurting me.”

“Shut up this is what your mommy deserves.”  

“Is this what you want for your daughter?”

“If my daughter acts like you, she deserves to be beat.”

These are the words that echo again and again in my brain when he tries to tell me I hurt him or that I'm mean. How can he call me mean? I held him down when everyone else around him was living their life and didn’t care what happened to him. I stopped my life; I put my dreams and goals on hold for him! For him to turn around six years later and beat the life out of me with his daughter, our daughter, watching still blows my mind. 

“Pow!” There was the Fendi buckle connecting with my left arm.

“Pow!” Another blow to the same arm.

 Pow! Pow! POW! It got harder. 

I ran out the room and down the stairs thinking if I go to where our daughter was watching TV he would stop, but he didn't. His fist became one with my gut. I ran out the kitchen and back up the stairs.

Pow! Punches to my face.

I ran again threatening to call the cops. He caught me again as he held my daughter back and began kicking me, blood running down the side of my mouth. All I could see was my daughter. I had to call the cops.

As women we think it’s ok to get beat and not call the cops. I am a victim of domestic violence who is still broken. Broken because although I'm the victim, I still find myself having to explain why I called the cops and got him arrested. It’s rare that I hear he was wrong and I should have stood up for myself. In the black community it’s a no-no to call the police on any black man.

“How dare you allow that man to put cuffs on me you RAT bitch. You SNITCH! You stole my money, you deserved this, and you deserve to die!”

Five thousand dollars.That’s how much my life was worth. Let’s stay on the same page. Five thousand was the distraction from the filth, the dirt, and the embarrassment I had to endure from the outside baby and him living a double life that I was tired of. I was his wife, yet I felt like the mistress. I got beat because he needed someone to blame for his wrongs. His wrongs in his head, became my wrongs he blamed on me somehow. I got beat because I took $5,000 dollars, something that wasn't outside of our norm. However he knew the shallow people he hung around would help him justify his wrong if he said I stole from him. I endured a lot, but that beating with my baby witnessing it, gave me the courage to love myself. I took the step of loving myself by dialing 9-1-1.

Lets get something straight, any man that puts his hands on you doesn't love you. That hot day in August he wanted to hurt me, he truly wanted me to die. It took me a long time to understand that this man didn’t love me and he wasn’t my protector. When the police came I begged them not to arrest him. I remember the police officer taking me to the bathroom mirror and telling me,“This man doesn't love you, look at yourself.” When I looked at my reflection I had a busted lip, scratches on my face, purple welts all over my arm, and a black and blue mark on the side of my face. 

My daughter was shaking and her wrist was bruised from him holding her with his right hand while he was kicking me with his foot. Yet in still, I was a mess, not because my body was all bruised up, but because they took him to jail. He still didn't care about what he had done to me or his child, all he was worried about was that I got him arrested and how could I do such a thing to him. It took me a while to understand I did nothing wrong, and If I could go back in time I would still put his butt in jail. It’s just sad that there are a lot of women who are socially adapted to being beat, and never think about standing up for themselves and showing these men the repercussion of their actions. 

When he put his hands on me I felt violated, I felt like my life was done. I felt angry and hurt. Statistics show that my daughter now has a chance to be abused by someone because her father abused me in front of her. Knowing what can be in her future gives me the strength to keep standing up to her father. This happened four years ago and he never once sat her down and truly apologized to her. This scares me, but as her mother all I can do is show her my strength by moving on, and showing her what it is to be a strong Black woman.

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Justine

By: Angela Mayah Solstice

The Speaker is a book series, which contains semi-fictional short stories created by me! Each book features a woman chosen as the guest speaker to share her story with her support group.

Justine is a single mom on the run from her abusive husband who is a cop. After 6 months of intensive one-on-one therapy and living in a Chicago suburb under 24-hour protection at a domestic violence safe house, she's finally beginning to feel a sense of hope for her future. Hear Justine's story of strength, courage, and an unshakable faith in her Higher Power.

Justine is available as a downloadable PDF sent directly from the author (email info@angelamayahsolstice.com to request),  an E-Book on Kindle, iBooks, B&N Nook, and Kobo; and in paperback on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or wherever books are sold by request, simply give the books 13 digit ISBN number: 978-0-9916095-9-8.

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Calif. Law To Help Domestic Abuse Victims Escape Violence

by J.D. Hillard

In California, it's about to get easier for abuse survivors to break their leases.

The new law, which takes effect Jan. 1, will allow domestic violence victims to give their landlords a simple form as proof that they have been abused.

Counselors say it will make abuse survivors safer because they'll more easily be able to move away.

Virginia's Story: 'An Extreme Hardship'

It took four years for Virginia to leave the man who abused her. (We're not using her full name because she's afraid he might still stalk her.) He went to prison for the abuse, and Virginia, aiming to get her life back on track, found an apartment with affordable rent where she thought he wouldn't find her.

"I was safe. I was in a confidential location," she says.

But then her abuser got out of prison, and a neighbor reported someone who looked like him had broken into her car. Virginia locked her door, "and I looked out my blinds and I remember seeing him. And I hadn't seen him for 2 1/2 years, and I don't know how he found me."

She decided to move out quickly, but there were two months left on her lease.

Read more here.

Via: www.npr.org

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Wisconsin panel provides $10.6 million for domestic violence center

The state will provide $10.6 million to help build a new Family Justice Center in Milwaukee that will consolidate domestic violence services and programs under one roof.

At its meeting Wednesday, the State Building Commission approved the $10.6 million for the project. The state will borrow the money to pay for the project.

The new center is a partnership between Children's Hospital of Wisconsin, Sojourner Family Peace Center and others, including the Milwaukee County district attorney's office and the Milwaukee Police Department.

The 78,000-square-foot center will be at 619 W. Walnut St. and include a 56-bed domestic violence shelter, along with mental health services, a legal clinic and an education and conference center.

"This project will make an efficient use of resources as we look to consolidate law enforcement, prosecution and child welfare resources for those affected by domestic violence," said Gov. Scott Walker, the chair of the building commission.

"This project will provide better care and treatment for mothers and their children to the greater Milwaukee area, and will also benefit our state as a whole."


Read more Here:Journal Sentinel: http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/wisconsin-panel-provides-106-million-for-domestic-violence-center-b99162003z1-235477591.html#ixzz2nDaSO6S6
Via: www.jsonline.com

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Abuse-Free World

 

By: Angela Mayah Solstice

So George Zimmerman was arrested for domestic violence. It seems to be a surprise to some but not to me. I was enraged just like many were when he was found not guilty in the Trayvon Martin case. I have a 15 year old son walking around in the world and just as Obama himself said, Trayvon looked like my son. But it went deeper for me. There was a familiar energy I felt and could recognize. I didn’t see George Zimmerman as a racist, I saw George Zimmerman the abuser. The lack of emotion, expressionless face, a sense of entitlement—all showed me the signs. I would like to share with you a few excerpts from a great book called, “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft:

A large part of his abusiveness come in the form of punishments used to retaliate against you for resisting his control. This is one of the single most concepts to grasp about an abusive man…

The abuser tends to see his partner as less intelligent, less competent, less logical, and even less sensitive than he is…

Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control…

Abusers are unwilling to be non-abusive, not unable. They do not want to give up power and control. You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.

What I take from that is that Zimmerman along with any other type of abuser does not discriminate among there victims. Zimmerman not only disliked black people, he disliked himself, and anyone in his path who didn't share his reality in that he was all important and knowing.One of the first things I said aloud following the verdict in the George Zimmerman case was that his life would never be the same. I didn’t say it in a vindictive spirit, but a knowing spirit. Although I do believe in justice, I trust more in the Universe. I knew that life would catch up with him. I knew that his darkness ran deep and a not-guilty verdict did not set him free for real.

Do you feel you know the signs of abuse or of an abuser?

As many of you know I have been completing my forthcoming book The Courage to Change. In it I share many of my own personal stories of abandonment, loss, and mainly abuse. I feel drawn to many topics, because I’ve been through so much, but none am I drawn to more than abuse. Because I feel it is the root of so many of the other problems in the world: sexual exploitation, homelessness, drug addiction, eating disorders, inequality, etc…I can guarantee you among all of those, abuse of some kind played a major part.

    

I recently had someone close to me go through a domestic violence situation that ended in complete abandonment of her and her children. I was enraged at the lack of resources and options for her—I was disappointed in my home state of Chicago in its lack of advocacy resources, it was a far cry from what was available to me in New York. More than anything It brought back so many memories of my own. I instantly could empathize with others who shy away from these situations because your heart grieves along with being confronted with your own fears and vulnerability. Many of us have experienced or know of someone who has been abandoned by an abuser. It is our biggest fear, the reason why we try and pretend that everything is okay when it’s not, it’s why we judge, why we fight for our independence and look down on those who are not. Trust me I understand. I also understand the feeling of defeat-- of seeing your abuser get the seemingly not-guilty verdict of life after the court systems, friends, and family have made their judgements and moved on as you are left with the broken pieces. Yet let me reassure you there is a divine magic and grace that comes with being empowered, getting educated, healing yourself, and in turn helping others. Below I will share an excerpt from my book where I talk specifically about abuse and give a charge to my readers along with resources for victims of domestic violence. I ask that you take a moment to read through it and make a pledge today to help yourself or others.

Millions of women, young and old, are abused daily. It is your responsibility to get educated on the signs of abuse as well as resources available to women in your area so you can pass along information when needed. If you know of someone in an abusive relationship do not put them down in any way! Give them love, encouragement, and assistance if you can. You have an obligation to the women in your care, family, and community to speak out. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that there are resources and support available to you if you need it. I was fortunate to have family who could help me financially when I stood up to my Goliath, which is a hard cold fact of why many women do not leave for fear of abandonment. Even so, there are some well run domestic violence organizations that can help you with counseling; legal representation, and even housing—free of cost and without involving the police. I pray for miracles and that an abundance of Angels come into your life right now…You can heal your life.

Write down the following contract and sign it at the bottom, place in your wallet or in your journal (somewhere you will see it often):

I _____(name)______commit to giving my love, encouragement, and available resources to whoever is placed in my path, and are being victimized due to domestic violence. I declare this moment that I am against domestic violence. I am a woman of my word and will stand by my declaration. I am committed to do doing my part, even if it is a simple prayer, to help make this world abuse-free for the young women of the future.

Meditate or Journal upon the following statement: Abuse affected my life when…

Prayer: (Higher Power of your understanding) I pray for abused women (me) today. Please send an Earth Angel in their (my) path to help them (me) onto the road of recovery. Protect them (me), heal them (me), and guide them (me).

Affirmation (preferably say in a mirror):  “I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM IN MY LIFE”

Reading Recommendations & Resources:

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships By: Patrick Carnes

Peace from Broken Pieces By: Iyanla Vanzant

The Verbally Abusive Relationship By: Patricia Evans ***

Why Does He Do That? By: Lundy Bancroft ***http://www.lundybancroft.com (Excellent resources & info)

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://cawc.org/

http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv/

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One mother's story shows plight of trapped women

Photo: Adam Linn

Rogers was living with her mother in Las Cruces, a city on the Rio Grande in New Mexico, when she became enchanted by a soft-spoken Arab man working at the Middle Eastern cafe where she'd often study.

"I was the feminist, the rebel, everything you could imagine," she said. Hatem Abu Taha proposed to her three days after they met. They were married soon after.

"The morning after we wed, my husband got up to meet his friends," she recalled. "I was like, 'What? We're newlyweds.'"

"He just told me he was doing guy things and I could do woman things," she said in an interview at her home outside Boston.

Rogers worked as a nurse assistant but hoped for better. She completed a master's degree and was preparing to write a book. Her husband rarely worked. He spoke often of his native land.

The couple had three children and were expecting a fourth when Taha said it was time they traveled to the Middle East to visit his Palestinian relatives. It was 2001.

Taha's family lived in Rafah, a city on the border with Egypt from which Palestinian militants launched Qassam rockets into Israel.

Rogers was surprised to see that Taha's family appeared to be well off. They owned, he told her, Gaza's only cigarette patent. She was also not ready for what happened to her husband.

Taha was ultra-patriotic, she said, and passive to the will of his family who were hostile to the American in their home. After two weeks, Rogers said her kids were "breaking down." Her eldest son was suffering anxiety attacks. Her 2-year-old daughter had contracted dysentery.

When they arrived two weeks before, carpenters were building a third-floor addition to the family home. Taha told Rogers it was for his brother and his wife. But when the work was done, Taha told her the unit was where she would live.

Read More here.

Via: www.usatoday.com 

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Judge orders new trial for Marissa Alexander in Florida self-defense case

A Florida woman whose controversial conviction and 20-year sentence for firing a warning shot at an abusive ex-husband were recently overturned must remain in jail for at least another week, a judge ruled on Thursday.

Marissa Alexander’s supporters had hoped the mother of three would be set free during her first court appearance since an appeals panel set aside the guilty verdict and prison term last month over the August 2010 shooting.

Instead, circuit court judge James Daniel set a bail hearing in Jacksonville for 8 November, and ordered that Alexander, 33, face a new trial to begin on 31 March next year. Hers is one of a number of recent high-profile self-defense cases involving Florida’s stand-your-ground laws and is being pursued by Angela Corey, the state attorney who put George Zimmerman on trial for murder this summer over the February 2012 killing of the unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in Sanford.

Read more here.

Via: theguardian.com 

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Another Month, Another 50 Women Dead

 October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but most people are in fact unaware. One reason is that Republicans in congress frittered away most of the month by closing the government and creating a manufactured crisis over the debt ceiling.

But the statistics on domestic violence and guns ought to get our attention. If October is like every other month, nearly 50 women in the U.S. will be murdered with a gun by an intimate partner -- overwhelmingly a husband or boyfriend. We've had so many mass shootings in places like Tucson, Aurora, Newtown, and the Navy Yard that it would be easy to conclude gun violence knows no gender. But that's not quite true.

Women are over three-and-a-half times more likely than men to be killed by an intimate partner. And a gun in a household with a history of domestic violence increases that risk by twenty fold. Stalkers also use guns to harm their victims -- and you guessed it -- more than 75 percent of those victims are female.

A few common sense changes in the law would make women safer. For starters, we need to close the loopholes on background checks for gun ownership. Right now, if you want a gun without submitting to a background check, just pick one up at a gun show or online. No problem -- no questions asked.

Read the full story here.

Via: www.Huffingtonpost.com/politics

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Abuse-Free World

By: Angela Mayah Solstice

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I pray for the day we live in a world where an awareness month is not needed. Yet for now I would be grateful if people were able to just consider the topic without turning away from it due to shame, fear, or harsh judgment.Ending my abusive marriage served as the catalyst that helped me to change my life. I would like to share with you my story in hopes that it may inspire you to help yourself or a loved one. Below is an excerpt from my forthcoming book "The Courage To Change":

When my parent arrived, I drove home the point that we were not dealing with the man they thought they knew. I had recently started working with an excellent therapist who specialized in treating women in abusive relationships; I was loaded with new information and shared everything I had learned. They helped me set up a joint banking account with them. In the past, my husband cut me off financially whenever I challenged him. It was the price I paid for standing up for myself. My own bank account gave me my power back. I was starting to think solely about myself for once and was gaining some control over my life. We ended my parent’s stay by doing an intervention of sorts. My husband, true to form, gave an emotional performance and promised to change. He said that he loved me and the children, and that he was sorry. Yet my parents had barely left for the airport when I saw the glare in his eyes change. A few nights later he claimed to be leaving for his support meeting joining such a group was part of the agreement he had made with me and my parents. But he didn’t return home until early the next morning. I was too scared to confront him but smart enough not to wait for the next blow-up and so I went to the courthouse to obtain an order of protection the next morning. Handicapped and emotionally wrecked, I had just enough strength to make it through the process.

I was granted the order the same day. The next morning, the Sheriff’s department arrived shortly after my oldest two children had left school. As my two youngest were sleeping, several sheriff deputies came crashing through our front door and apprehended my husband. They gave him time to retrieve his belongings. As he bullied through the house I knew he was stalling because he wanted to see my face, but the cops made sure I was out of sight and guarded. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest, but soon enough he was gone. I sat there in almost disbelief. That night, my children and me huddled in bed together, too scared to sleep, even with a police car stationed out front. Police protection may have been standard in these kind of cases, but I still couldn’t help but wonder-how had it come to this? This was my rock bottom. My abusive marriage no longer a secret, I was vulnerable yet finally ready to surrender. I was in the eye of the storm but I could see land. And this is where I truly began to do some of my realest self-inventory work, in order to change my life.

Unfortunately my story is all too common. Millions of women, young and old, are abused daily. As an empowered woman, it is your responsibility to get educated on the signs of abuse as well as resources available to women in your area so you can pass along information when needed. If you know of someone in an abusive relationship do not put them down in any way! Give them love, encouragement, and assistance if you can. You have an obligation to the women in your care, family, and community to speak out. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that there are resources and support available to you if you need it. I was fortunate to have family who could help me financially when I stood up to my Goliath, which is a hard cold fact why many women do not leave for fear of abandonment. Even so, there are some well run domestic violence organizations that can help you with counseling; legal representation, and even housing—free of cost and without involving the police. I pray for miracles and that an abundance of Angels come into your life right now…You can heal your life.

Journal: Write in your journal the following contract and sign at the bottom:

I _____(name)______commit to giving my love, encouragement, and available resources to whoever is placed in my path, and are being victimized due to domestic violence. I declare this moment that I am against domestic violence. I am a woman of my word and will stand by my declaration. I am committed to do doing my part, even if it is a simple prayer, to help make this world abuse-free for the young women of the future.

Additional Journaling: Abuse affected my life when…

Prayer: (Higher Power of your understanding) I pray for abused women (me) today. Please send an Earth Angel in their (my) path to help them (me) onto the road of recovery. Protect them (me), heal them (me), and guide them (me).

Affirmation:  “I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM IN MY LIFE”

Reading Recommendations & Resources:

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships By: Patrick Carnes

Peace from Broken Pieces By: Iyanla Vanzant

The Verbally Abusive Relationship By: Patricia Evans ***

Why Does He Do That? By: Lundy Bancroft

http://www.thehotline.org/

http://cawc.org/

http://www.cadvnc.org/cadv/

Excerpt from "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft:

 If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principles fresh in your mind: your goal is to be complete opposite of what the abuser is.

The abuser: Pressures her severely

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. It takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. 

The abuser: Talks down to her

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.

The abuser: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. 

The abuser: Dominates conversations

SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. Talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.  

The abuser: Believes he has the right to control her life

SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or return to him after a separation. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.

The abuser: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuse, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post-separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.

The abuser: Thinks for her   

SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.

 

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